composite by vice staff/ fieri photo: getty images
With indoor dining a no-go in many parts of the country for, like, a year now, ghost kitchens have been popping up everywhere, serving as delivery- and takeout-only hubs for every kind of cuisine imaginable—including that of one mayor of Flavortown, Guy Fieri. Grease your Oakleys, because as of this week, Guy Fieri has just opened a new ghost kitchen restaurant, Flavortown Kitchen, in Wheeling, Illinois. The delivery-only resto has our blood pressure blushing with dreams of Bourbon Brown Sugar BBQ Wings, as well as fantasizing about our brains someday emptying of constant worry just as our arms are vaxxed so we can throw on our wrap-shades, frost our trips, and host our own post-COVID BBQ. Guy Fieri is our dad, our daddy, and our bro. We just miss him, man. Not to mention: We miss diners, drive-ins, and dives, and the only thing comforting us this past year has been watching reruns of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives.
While we can’t scoot over in a red Camaro to shake hands and break baby backs with Fieri ourselves to celebrate his slightly depressing new venture, we can do the best thing: Turn our own homes—nay, entire personalities/identities—into an homage to Flavortown that will have you saying “Holy moly, Stromboli!” Here’s everything you need to transform into a more Bomb-Dot-Com version of yourself and your domicile.
If you’re new here
Welcome to Flavortown! Yes, we will write that seven more times in this article. And, yes, this Flavortown T-shirt is just what the spice man/Triple-D fan ordered for those of us who are both new to Fieridom, and well-seasoned fans. Love the distressed look; it’s giving us Zumiez baby mall rat circa 2005 feels, a little Thrasher and a little Santa Cruz Skateboards.
Flavortown Skater Tee, $25 at Etsy
“Oh, I read the classics”
This. This is important. You can’t really say you understand foundational Fieri theory, nor lore, if you haven’t grasped the importance of the flame button-up bowling shirt to the Mayor of Flavortown. This one is vintage-looking, but new (which we appreciate, in terms of price points). Another excellent option: this loose collar flame button-up t-shirt. Y’know, for casual Fridays in front of Top Chef reruns.
Vintage Style Flame Bowling Shirt, $70 at Etsy
Customize your Fieri-wear
Because the polycotton gods know that for those of us out here who are serious about cosplaying as Fieri in order to have a better (or like, any) personality will go bananas over the opportunity to get a button-up shirt with space for embroidery and screen printing.
Customizable Bowling Shirt, $10.07 at Mato & Hash
La vie en vroom
We may never know what it’s like to see out of the culinary crystal balls that are Fieri’s eyes, but we can come damn close with these wearable, plastic flames. Whatta rim job!
Rimless Fire Frame Sunglasses, $5 at SHEIN
Rise ‘n shine
…with some primo sterling silver accessories, like this chonky chain. This curb link is a whopper, and a great building-block piece for those who want to start wearing more tough chicken sparkle but don’t know where to start. We highly suggest you layer this silver dragon over it, too.
925 Sterling Silver 9mm Wide Chain Necklace, $132.99 at Etsy
Hit the sauce in style
A Camaro, a Mustang, a Camudo, and a Chevelle walk into a bar. Plot twist: the bar is your house. The bartender is not Guy Fieri, but at least your bevraginos can get served up in these totally awesome, engraved glasses.
Muscle Car Engraved Glassware, $59.95 at Etsy
The only Italian sports car we’ll ever own
So this is marketed for kids, apparently. But it’s also an ample seating arrangement for us to curl up in fetal positions, or hang with some fellow vaccinated buds (indulge our fantasy) and a brewski. It’s a bigger price-tag item, but it’s perfect as the next centerpiece of our fourth-quarter COVID DIY-bender.
Novak Coupe Italia Twin Car Bed, $1,439.99 at Wayfair
Swing low, sweet Camaro
Nowhere else we’d rather be after a night of rigorous (METAPHORICAL) love making to our grill than in this Flavortown sleigh. It’s a subtle (FR, no flames) homage to Fieri’s signature red Diners, Drive-In, and Dives Camaro, and it is certain to bring some flavor to your own eves of low-light, triple-D fun.
Rick Upholstered Low Profile Platform Bed, $620.15 $389.44 at Wayfair
Build some rockin’ ambiance
Is that a Van Halen poster, or a glamorous baby portrait of Fieri himself? Who knows? (We knows.) Hang this in your foyer or hallway and toss Panko breadcrumbs into the air as your dinner guests arrive for a hot Frisbee of fun ambiance. If you’re looking for a more stacked lineup, try this guy.
Van Halen 1984 Album Poster, $20.34 at Etsy
Clip that butane to your belt
Best-selling, top-rated blow torch for your crème brûlée, lemon meringue pie, baby back ribs, 1-minute stove-top fake shakshuka, and anything else that needs to get flash-toasted. Warning: This is an addicting tool, especially because its design makes it possible to torch from every possible angle. JUGGLE TIME!
Sondiko Butane Torch, $19.99 at Amazon
Frost your tips
Change your hair, change your life. This Mario Kart level of our Guy Fieri cosplay takes us right to the follicle’s edge. As Fieri himself recently said in a video call with Mario Lopez, his frosted chop glistening beneath his wine glass chandelier, even the pandemic wouldn’t stop his hair from having its day (now, his wife helps him DIY-die it, which is so cute it’s rude). Also, he was apparently quarantined with 400 goats? Discuss.
Manic Panic Flash Lightning Hair Bleach Kit, $10.99 at Amazon
The world’s most intense apron
Somewhere between Guy Fieri and Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century. This aluminized apron is literally “molten resistant” so you can charbroil a pig on your own chest. Plus, it just looks really cool.
Acrysil Bib Apron, $81 at Amazon
The smoker you need for the Bomb Dot Com baby backs
When we’re all jacked up on modified RNA in a vaccinated world, you’re all invited over, to either my fire escape or Guy Fieri’s house, which I’m sure he will be happy to share with all of us. If it happens to be chez you, you’d better have a sick smoker/grill combo on hand for getting them ribs roasty, fatty, juicy, and charred. This one’s an affordable best-seller so you can’t go wrong.
29 in. Barrel Charcoal Grill/Smoker in Black, $149 at Home Depot
One man’s Trash Can Nachos are our absolute treasure, thank you
You should know this if you’ve made it this far into this story, but one of Guy’s greatest culinary claims to fame is this beautiful, incredibly appetizing dish known as Trash Can Nachos. It’s so popular that you can get it in kit form online, sent straight to your house. They say it serves four to six, but that’s another way of serving it could serve one person (you) for four to six consecutive meals.
Guy’s BBQ Trash Can Nachos, $69 at Goldbelly
A tub of garlic for DIY Donkey Sauce
Another thing for which Fieri is well-known is his favorite condiment, known mysteriously as Donkey Sauce. It’s allegedly just sort of like, a garlic sauce, so it’s not totally clear why he wants people to think of it as mule semen. Does the name terrify us? Yes. Are we committed to transforming our home into Flavortown? Also yes. So we will need to buck up and do some R+D for replicating the DS, and we know that we’ve gotta start with garlic. Here’s a year’s supply.
Spice World Organic Garlic, 32 Oz. Jar, $11.42 at Amazon
The entire chicken coup
We plated up this gorgeous chicken meat medley in our post-COVID, Fantasy Week dinner party plans. Now we’re going back for seconds on the drumsticks, party wings, and other fingerlickers, and pairing it with this Waygu Beef to get a reeeeal mouth party started.
Mary’s Poultry Non-GMO Chicken Value Box, $119.99 at Thrive Market
Fire up the grill. You have now entered Flavortown.
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